Dear Amy: I am an adult female in my 50s who has lived with ongoing, treatment-resistant major depression for most of my adult life.
I have, for the most part, accepted that it will probably always be something I have to deal with, to one extent or another, although the severity of it does vary. And I do my best to keep it under control with medication and therapy.
The problem, though, is that my sister only seems to see that part of me.
She means very well and is genuinely concerned for me.
I understand that, and I appreciate her concern, but almost every communication I get from her is about my depression: Daily suggestions about things I should be doing differently, lots and lots of unsolicited advice, frustration if I don’t always implement her suggestions, etc.
How do I get her to understand, that even though I appreciate her concern, the barrage of “suggestions” can sometimes come across as judgment or criticism, especially when advice has not been requested?
Also, how can I gently suggest that I’d like to talk about other aspects of my life than just mental illness?
I feel like all she sees in me is brokenness.
– There is More to Me than My Illness
Dear There is More to Me: Any person living with serious chronic illness must wrestle with this question of identification, and it is vital that others realize that their own expressions of compassion and concern can come across instead as a desire to control the outcome.
My own theory is that when people constantly offer suggestions and unsolicited advice – they are actually expressing their own very deep anxieties.
Depression is an isolating illness, and your sister’s eagerness to connect and talk about it seems to result in you feeling even more isolated from her.
I hope you will express exactly how you feel: “I know you are worried about me, but when you only want to discuss my depression, I feel like all you see in me is brokenness. I am so much more than my illness. If I promise you that I will gratefully let you help me if things are bad, can you trust me that I’m managing pretty well? I long for a sense of normalcy and would really like to talk about other things. I really miss that!”
Your sister might be sitting on her own valid fears about what might happen to you if you are in a severely depressed phase, but she needs to understand that her fears are hers – not yours – to manage.
I highly recommend writer and psychologist Andrew Solomon’s TED talks, and especially his masterful and comprehensive book on depression, “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression” (2011, Scribner).
Solomon’s own depression led him to study the illness, and his insight is both unique and helpful. He writes: “Depression is the secret that every family has.”
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been planning a trip overseas with two other couples. We have been hoping to travel together as a group.
We had started to plan this trip before the pandemic but had to put it aside. So now we are back to planning it for 2022.
I realize that trips overseas may have to be canceled if travel restrictions have not been lifted.
However, the husband of one of the couples doesn’t know if he wants to be vaccinated.
If the host country we plan to visit requires vaccination, would it be unethical for the rest of us to travel without this couple?
– Eager to Travel
Dear Eager: I don’t see this as an ethical dilemma.
If this man chooses not to be vaccinated, it is his business, and whatever consequences flow from that choice will be his responsibility, including the possibility of having to stay home from a hoped-for trip. It is important that all international travelers follow the destination country’s guidelines for visiting.
Dear Amy: A question from “DNA Dispute” noted that two first cousins learned that while one shared the family DNA through her father, the other cousin did not.
These two concluded that the “other cousin” might have been the result of infidelity, and this has led to estrangement.
You neglected to point out the possibility that the DNA split might have happened in the previous generation and that these cousins’ two dads, who were brothers, might not have been.
– Reader
Dear Reader: Many people pointed to this possibility. Thank you all.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)