Why I didn’t seek help for depression for years

It took me years to seek help for depression, because my struggles didn’t make sense to me.

Looking at my life from a logical perspective, I could see I had everything I’d ever wanted: one, then two, healthy babies; a great relationship; a new career; and a nice home.

What on Earth did I have to complain about?

Warning: This story discusses suicidal thoughts.

When you ‘have it all’ but your mental health is declining

As it turns out, mental health doesn’t adhere to a life list of pros and cons.

For a long time, life was challenging. I had days when I couldn’t get out of bed or stop crying, many suicidal thoughts, and my emotions were numb.

Most days, though, I just kept busy — frantically busy — so I could try to outrun the way I was feeling.

This lack of self-compassion is one of the huge challenges that depression creates.

My self-talk berated me for finding life challenging. It ridiculed me when I dared to think I might deserve to ask for help. I had nightmares about being kicked out of a doctor’s office, while being called a whinger, if I spoke up.

Those fears sat internally, but they had originated from witnessing external moments. I had seen people around me roll their eyes at others who were struggling, and when I had tried to whisper suspicions of my own struggles some friends had shouted: “Don’t be silly, you’re fine!”

Psychologist Dr Marny Lishman says when people react this way, it’s a reflection on themselves — not on the person who has spoken up.

“Whenever someone says they’re struggling, some people list the good things that person has in their lives and wonders why they’d be feeling like that.”

This is a reaction created from building walls around themselves.

“When someone opens up about struggling with something difficult, they’re holding a mirror up to us, and they might be revealing something that we feel is a weakness in ourselves,” Dr Lishman says.

“We can then be quick to dismiss it, which is a way of putting up our own defence mechanisms.”

Mental health challenges can affect anyone

While mental illness is more likely to affect some than others — for example, Indigenous Australians, people aged 16-24, and trans people — it is something that can touch anybody’s life.

“Most of us are likely to experience mental health problems at some point in our lives,” Dr Lishman says.

None of us are immune to mental health challenges — no matter how great our lives look from the outside.

In fact, when people speak up, it can help us to understand that anyone can experience challenges.

“It’s really good that more and more people speak up about it and that we have these conversations, because over time it helps to destigmatise it and normalise it,” Dr Lishman says.

At the time of my struggles, mental health conversations were becoming more common. They helped me to understand that it was OK to reach out. I was diagnosed with depression, and that meant I could begin to find my way out of the darkness.

How to seek help when you need it

There are a few things we can do to overcome the doubts about seeking help:

• Listen to what’s really going on. “Bring yourself back to the moment, and sit in your emotions. Listen to what those emotions, your brain and your body are telling you. What do you really need?” suggests Dr Lishman.
• Remove the judgement. Dr Lishman says mindfulness and meditation can help here: “They bring you back to the present moment so you see what you actually need without putting judgement on top of it.”
• Take the word ‘should’ out of your vocabulary. “The intrusive thoughts that say you should or shouldn’t do something actually distort the reality of what’s going on,” says Dr Lishman.
• Be aware of the self-talk. “If your self-talk is trying to talk you out of what you know you need, consider whether that’s you speaking, or whether it’s an echo of someone else in your life, like a parent, a partner or friend who has different beliefs,” Dr Lishman says.
• Remind yourself that it’s OK to get professional help. “Taking a step to get professional help is scary for most people, so don’t judge yourself for that,” says Dr Lishman. “We’re all a work in progress, and a psychologist is never going to tell you to go away.”

Megan Blandford is a freelance writer and author of I’m Fine (and other lies).